Fun Lovin' Criminal

Sydney Morning Herald

Saturday September 25, 2004

by Sean Condon

Dear Inmate Penpal (# 8076WJ),

I was immensely pleased to read in your personal ad that you are a free-spirited, fun, loving, sincere, non-judgemental and outgoing young Christian seeking a match for your interests. I, too, enjoy dancing and singing, and music touches my soul as well. Like you, I also love the outdoors, taking long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners. With regard to the last two pleasures, I can't help wondering where exactly you're imprisoned. Is it some kind of Devil's Island sort of deal, only with better catering? (Please let me know as I may be slightly more inclined to commit crimes

if I, too, can end up somewhere like that.)

Not having spent much time behind bars, I am probably not as "sexually versatile"

as you mention you are, but I am willing to take a good long look at my inhibitions in this area, particularly if forced to. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but if things

do work out between us - and presuming you are eventually paroled - would I have

to spring for a bunk in the bedroom or would a "civilian" bed (queen size) be all right? If we have to go for a bunk bed, you can take the top one. Or the bottom if that's your preference. I don't want to fight about it. At this point, I may as well say that I have space in the bathroom for a toothbrush-shiv and a gun carved out of soap. So pack all your "toiletries"!

You write that you are very "loyal and family oriented" - these are good qualities. However, it would help me to know if the sort of "family" you are referring to is the kind which has a mother and father, and perhaps kids as well, or one that features underbosses, bosses and more sudden disappearances than usual. I do not have a family myself, but am willing to start or join one, and am comfortable being called either "Dad" or "Fat Connie".

By the way, I am happy to start referring to the kitchen bench as the "chow-line" if that will make your transition to the "straight life" any easier. The yard is already called "the yard".

I feel we have so much in common - like you, my "pet peeves" are liars and cheats - but at the same time there's so much to get to know about each other. You'll probably have a lot of questions about me (my age, weight, height, and so on), just as I do about you. For instance, exactly what was this "one-time mistake" you made that put you away for so long? Are you a murderer? If so, whom did you kill? A copper? A stranger? Your spouse? (I don't want to sound square, but I really hope it's not the latter.) Perhaps you're a bank robber. If so, good for you; we all want to stick it to the banks, but precious few of us have your convictions where that's concerned, no pun intended. Did some liar and/or cheat cross you and you couldn't let them get away with it and one thing led to another and here you are behind bars? It really doesn't matter; I'm interested in what's inside the person, not what the person's inside for. (Unless you're a spouse-killer, then I would be quite interested in that. But not in a judgemental way, you understand.)

Another thing I'm curious about - you mention that you're now in your mid-30s, so, with good behaviour, approximately how old will you be when you get out? And without good behaviour? (Again, I am not trying to be judgemental here, but if you're, say, 100 when you are released, we might not have that much time left.)

I'm interested that you describe yourself as a Christian. I am not an especially religious person and I truly hope this won't get in the way of our relationship. If you're troubled by my lack of faith it might be worth remembering that I haven't committed any major crimes, which probably makes us even in the eyes of the Lord, judgement-wise.

Finally, I hear that on the inside the roses grow - they don't mind the stony ground

- but is it true that the roses there are really prisoners, too?

I look forward to reading your reply.

(If it's going to involve lemon juice, let me know beforehand!)

Non-judgementally yours,

Fat Connie

PS Nice photo - shapeless denim looks good on you!

PPS Seriously, did you kill your spouse?

Quick Quiz answers: 1 Mosquito (Quito, Ecuador). 2 Intensive care unit. 3 Tom Hanks. 4 Surfing. 5 k.d. lang. 6 Donkey. 7 The Roulettes. 8 28th. 9 The Dukes of Hazzard. 10 Earth. Get It? solution: B & B. Fully Booked answers: 1 Presumed Innocent by Scott Turow. 2 Miss Smilla's Feeling for Snow by Peter H?eg. 3 The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. 4 Amsterdam by Ian McEwan. 5 In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. 6 The Secret History by Donna Tartt. 7 Tess of the D'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy.

© 2004 Sydney Morning Herald

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